They say everything goes in cycles - and with kids TV, that certainly seems to be true. If you were a child of the late 80s and early 90s, then the odds Postman Pat, Charlie Chalk, and perhaps even the Fiddly Foodle Bird (just us?) are familiar enough names - but none reached quite the levels of success as the four reptilian martial artists known as the Teenage Mutant [something] Turtles. Thanks to UK (and to a similar extent, European) censorship laws, the side of the Atlantic you lived on determined whether they were Ninja or Hero turtles, with the word 'ninja' was largely considered far too violent a concept to expose children to. In fact, Michelangelo's weapon of choice came under attack, too, as nunchakus were banned from even appearing in 18 rated films - making them a no-no for a kid's TV series (after a few series, they were eventually replaced with a grappling hook). As time went on, though, and the rules relaxed, history has begun to repeat itself, with Donatello, Leonardo, Michelangelo and Raphael having regained their ninja title (and weapons), most recently in a new Nickelodeon show - and it's this new take on the turtles that influences their newest game.
The gang.
The imaginatively titled Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a titled aimed squarely at the younger end of the market, and features everyone's favourite pizza-loving, sewer-dwelling, butt-kicking reptiles on a quest to beat up some bad guys. If there is much of a story, we're yet to find it - but all the major characters from the show make an appearance, from Kraang, to Shredder, and even April, although we're not sure we like her new look. Apparently written by the team behind the more recent Nickelodeon cartoon series, we were expecting a slightly more interesting story than this - even if the characters seem about right.
As a side-scrolling beat 'em up, things are at least easy enough to pick up and play. Choosing your choice of shell shocked hero, all you have to do is run through the levels, over the rooftops, through the alleyways and of course along sewers, beating up the bad guys the game throws at you before moving on to the next area. Combat is simple enough, with mashing a single button being enough to fend off the majority of enemies, with perhaps with the odd throw added in for good measure - but there are more than a few bugs and awkward bits that mean the experience goes from kind of dull to almost painful.
The biggest problem is, it just isn't that much fun to play. Although most enemies take a couple of punches before they fall down, once they've been knocked down, there's nothing you can do until they get back up again. No one has any ground-based attacks, so you're just left standing around, waiting. As you need to defeat all the baddies in the area before moving on (with no counter to let you know how many you've got left), you'll also often find yourself having to backtrack in search of a single elusive bad guy who's managed to get himself jammed on a wall before the game will let you continue on to the next area. The turtles also have a tendency to get stuck on things, too, sometimes freezing in place for reasons known only to themselves, leaving you to pivot in place and swipe at any enemies that just happen to stroll past.
The game attempts to break up some of the linearity by hiding a few collectibles in each level, as well as a few power-ups to pick up - netting you a temporary supply of ninja stars, purple smoke bombs and the like. Intended to befuddle your enemies, the latter tends to confuse you more than anything else, as at the touch of a button, your turtle will disappear briefly before reappearing on the other side of the screen, seemingly leaving you with no control over where it goes. For each bad guy you dispose of, you'll also accumulate glowing spheres, which act as the game's currency and can be exchanged for upgrades to each of your turtles, netting you new moves, more health and more.
There's not a lot of variation in the enemy types either.
While most of the game is fairly straightforward, boss fights tend to spike in difficulty wildly. Early on you end up in a fight with Fishface in the docks, atop a floating platform in the sea. Every now and then, he'll leap out of the water, and slide across the floor towards you - and all you have to do is whack him as he goes past. We say "all". The problem is, as you chip away at his health, he ends up sliding faster and faster, to the point where he's almost impossible to hit at all - no sooner has he leapt out of the water than he's running over you, and taking your health away - leaving you with no chance to dodge, yet alone attack. Slowly, he'll wear down your stock of lives, and eventually you'll start running out of turtles, before you're faced with either landing that one last hit, or getting a game over.
Another problem is that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is also incredibly short. With fifteen levels in total, each of which takes a maximum of ten minutes to blast through, you're looking at about three hours in total, perhaps four if you feel like finding all the collectibles - and while the game does carry a budget price, that still seems a bit poor. It's also worth noting the sound is pretty sloppy, with some voice actors sounding like they're standing too close to the microphone whilst others sound like they're standing in a tunnel. In fact, perhaps the only upside is that the game lets up to four friends join in, taking over each of the teen turtles - and generally speaking, you'll be glad of the helping hand. When controlled by the computer, the other turtles are no help whatsoever, often standing around aimlessly, completely oblivious to the enemies beating them up.
In all, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a beat 'em up that, while it may sound like it ticks all the boxes, is something that even the biggest turtle fan will struggle to enjoy. Although it's aimed at a young audience, there are so many other games aimed at a similar age range that it's hard to recommend this. It's bad, buggy and boring - although at least you won't have to put up with it for very long, as you can quite easily blast through the entire game in a few hours.
Format Reviewed: Xbox 360
