If you've ever seen the Herbie films - those that famously terrified Father Dougal McGuire - you'll have a good idea of what Asphalt's like to play. No, you're not getting into all sorts of hilarious happenings in an old VW Beetle - but you are driving cars that seem to have a mind of their own.
Despite the box crowing about featuring over "40 prestigious licensed vehicles", this isn't a game for the petrol heads - if realistic handling is what you're looking for here, you're going to be disappointed. Putting you behind the wheel of one of a selection of the aforementioned 40 licensed vehicles, which range from a MINI to a Bugatti, around a choice of 17 cities, ranging from London, to Paris, to Moscow, Asphalt 3D initially leaves a very good impression. The cars look good, as there's plenty of customisation options, letting you choose the colour of your car, as well as buy upgrades, to make them go faster, or steer better. Thankfully, far from tuning differentials and what have you, the tuning here's simple, as you unlock parts for your car, and then buy them to fit them. Everything you buy makes your car "better", so there's no risk of making the wrong choice.
Just wait - it'll have its own Herbie moment soon.
There's an achievements system, too, which rewards you for achieving various things in the game - whether it's collecting a number of powerups, or winning your first race, giving you an extra incentive to do things you wouldn't have done before.
You progress through the game by taking part in one of fourteen "Leagues", which, as you may expect, increase in difficulty as you go along. Each league's made up of five events, which ask you to do a variety of different things beyond the bog standard "race" against a single opponent. Whether you're trying to complete a number of laps against the clock, entering a one on one race against a rival, or trying to take down a number of rivals (by crashing into them, and forcing them to do the same) before you finish a set number of laps, there's a decent amount of variety here.
The problems start when you try to actually drive your car. At first, everything seems normal - you're a bit slow getting away, maybe, but you're accelerating nicely. Ah, a corner. Let's try and turn. Oh, wait. My car seems to have had a sudden, uncontrollable urge to make friends with this building. Right, now we're straight again, let's have another go. Second corner. I'll brake this time. Ah, that's better. Now we're powersliding around a corner, looking like every boy racer imagines they do on a Friday night. Right, corner's finished. You can stop powersliding now, car. Car. I said, you can stop... CAR!
By which time you''ve bounced off the other side of the road, and are now back on a straight again. It's like the cars either drive in a groove down the road, or have a mind of their own. When you want them to stop drifting, they simply won't, until you've lost about 40mph of speed, and then they'll snap out of it, and start driving properly - just as everyone else speeds past you. Sigh.
Well, at least cars get to see their name in lights.
In fact, one car we were racing in last night seemed to have dreams of being something more than a simple car - it wanted to star on the stage. While we were trying to thrash it over a number of jumps, sending the in-game camera crazy, as it had no idea where we were going, the car suddenly took on a personality of its own again, and started slowly rotating. Three jumps we went down, while our car slowly rotated to the side, pirouetting with a grace not seen since Darcey Bussell. Only Darcey Busell had thought things through. She wasn't a car, approaching a jump while perpendicular to it, and therefore having next to no speed left. Needless to say, our ballet car didn't have a happy ending.
Asphalt 3D isn't a completely broken game, and there is some fun to be had once you can reign the control system back in, and manage to keep your cars under control. But even the most season veteran of Asphalt 3D will struggle to keep their car pointing where they want it to, as sometimes, a spark of imagination will mean your car will decide it knows better (it doesn't).
What Asphalt 3D does do well, however, is lay the foundations for a sequel. We like the idea, we like the presentation, we especially like the menus - but we don't like cars that don't do what we tell them to. In the case of a racing game, you should be ordering your car, not having a conversation.
Format Reviewed: Nintendo 3DS
